Earlier this week I had a miscarriage. Yesterday I was fired. It hardly seems worth adding that they found 2 cavities at my dentist appointment. It is a lot in a short time, and I’m a bit amazed that I’m still standing. But I am, and smiling, and kind of excited about the future.
I am going to give myself as much time as I need to unfold the varied emotions, worries and negativities associated with this week’s events. It is incredibly sad that we lost our baby. I loved many things about my work and was very good at it. There are financial realities to contend with now. I don’t really know what kind of work I might do, or what the next while of being a stay-at-home mom will look like.
I also am choosing to believe that things will work out. I had a brief flash of realizing that I could let myself be swamped with worry and sadness, or I could choose faith. Tremendous faith in the goodness of the universe and in hosts of intangible but very real assistance that surrounds us, just waiting to be tapped. Faith in myself: in my body to produce life, in my skills and contributions as an employee, in my ability to attract meaningful, well-paying work. Faith in my family: in my daughter’s love, husband’s support, in the unity of our broader family in pulling through hard times.
And regarding being fired, I confess to an unreasonable degree of excitement. I get a few months’ severance as part of our collective agreement. I’ve been itching to try other work, but haven’t found the time or resources to pursue it. I can now leave behind all the stressful, tedious parts of my job and focus on looking for work that best inspires and challenges me. And summer is approaching, and now I get to spend TIME with my daughter in a way I haven’t since mat leave.
I know I’ll face uncertainties over the next months, but am choosing to enroll in the Faith Challenge and know that things will work out. And in two weeks, I’ll get my cavities filled and all will be well.