Careening Towards 40

It’s been a bit of a wild week, as you may have guessed. Tuesday and Wednesday nights I crashed in bed with baby around 8:30. In spite of the early bedtime, Tuesday night wasn’t a good sleep: baby was up every couple of hours. Last night, on the other hand, was magical. We all crashed out at 8 something. Baby woke up maybe twice. And we woke up a bit before 8. Dreamy!! It was nice to be well rested today.
It’s kind of crazy to contemplate that my birthday is on Sunday. 40 years old: wow. I’ve been stressing about this birthday for months and months, yet that stress never seemed to help me plan anything. And now here we are, mere days away, nothing planned.

Fortunately, as the date has got closer, its importance has dropped. I kind of barely care anymore. 40 no longer needs to be a hugely symbolic age – I’m officially a year older, life’s pretty good, and I plan to keep moving forward.

Though this is my stated position, I must admit I am feeling stress that is hard to shake. I just started a week’s vacation tonight, and I’m not really up for relaxing yet. I’m anxious about the long list of things I want to do before we leave. I’m stressed by the course I’m teaching (yes, mom, I will NEVER say yes to teaching again!). The house is, once again, a mess. And just ongoing life – are we caught up on our finances? What meals can we plan for weekdays? Will I ever be able to brush my daughter’s teeth? etc.

My hunched shoulders and crossed arms tonight are the reason we’re heading out of town for a few days. I’m sorely tempted to stay home during my week off to “get things done” and “catch up.” I know what that will be in practice: dashing around madly for a week, coming up with yet more things to do, and never really getting a break or change of scenery that will rejuvenate me. So, I’m going to embrace the birthday girls prerogative to demand that certain things get done :), and to ignore those that aren’t going to get done. Life will go on, and maybe post-40 I can embrace just living a little more fully.

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