Blogging by proxy

Yesterday was a bit of a challenging day. Baby was up a lot the night before with a fever and fussing. I wasn’t sure how she would do during the day but I had a presentation and meeting so I brought her to mom’s and checked up on her throughout the day. By 1:00 she was crying after a short nap, hadn’t eaten much at all and had barely had anything to drink. Priorities: I left work to go and be with my angel.
Once I was there things got better. She nursed right away (relief for both of us) and was in a better mood being with me. She ate some too. After a couple of hours we headed home. She slept on the way home, then enjoyed a walk with me. She cheered up in particular for her visit to the doctor – heaven forbid he see her in an unhealthy state! Then she ate dinner (I – for reasons mysterious – decided to try a new soup recipe + baking powder biscuits = delicious) which was encouraging. After a shower with mom and some nursing, she was asleep.

And I was nearly asleep too. Wiped out from some sleepless nights and an intense day. However, I had one big thing left to do: blog. My husband, wanting to encourage me to get some much-needed sleep, offered to blog for me. We agreed that I would tell him what to write and he would log in and post it for me. Though I wouldn’t have typed the actual words, I would have composed the blog and thus, I felt, fulfilled my daily writing commitment. The post was to read:

“Baby sick. Mom tired. Will write more tomorrow.”

Short, to the point, relevant to the theme (to keep my personal peace I needed more sleep!).

However. Though he tried diligently, he couldn’t make it work. So my blogging by proxy never actually happened. My mental blogging never made it to the stage of physical incarnation.

In the spirit of personal acceptance and inner peace, I am going to say that in intent and effort, I blogged yesterday. And here I am again today.

Baby is better today, though not well yet. A sick child is a huge unsettler to one’s inner peace. I find it remarkably hard to focus at work when I’m worried about her. It’s hard enough anyways to relax when I’m away from her! Even now, knowing she’s just two rooms over sleeping soundly, I feel uncomfortable being this much physically separated from her. And again in the spirit of inner peace, I accept that this is my reality as a mom. I am okay with it. Now that she exists, I need to be with her. I love her unconditionally and always. Everything about her amazes and delights me. She is my daughter and I love her.

My heart is breaking tonight for a missing child and his family. I can’t talk about it or think about it too much – it’s too horrible. I don’t understand some things about the world. And then there is the famine – and I get upset when I have to get an extra bottle of milk for my daughter because my body doesn’t make enough. I am reminded deeply that I want to do a lot more to change things in the world so that these types of aberrations stop happening.


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